Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
#parenting
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”