I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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PhewThe Chosen Phew