“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The options really are this bad
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?