I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“i miss shittin on people”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.