Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?