that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Terribly Tuesday.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.