APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.