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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”