It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.