Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again