These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.