[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
“I’m helping” 😅
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
This is my cat’s medicine.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Only a mother’s love …