What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
THIS HEADLINE
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking