“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.