Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I think I’ll stand
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot