Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When I said I liked it rough.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?