Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
You Might Also Like
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
We’ve all been there…
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?