“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Clients after you give them your rates
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
me, after any kind of buffet.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.