If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
somebody come look at this