We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.