Lmao
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“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb