[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.