The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
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Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
😂🤣😂🤣
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Who called it baking and not making love
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.