my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Sounds like a bargain
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*