Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
You Might Also Like
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If only
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The glory of fall.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?