I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Oh we’ve met.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.