As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
welcome back
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.