Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
nice challenge
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face