As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You Might Also Like
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.