I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
You can’t rush stupid.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I love it all
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.