My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.