Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
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My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
*cough*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?