OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
He a real one for that
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”