Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.