After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My favorite farside!!
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Simple enough.