The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The USS B port
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.