Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.