Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
The struggle is real
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“No way.” -Jose
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam