Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Clients after you give them your rates
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Very problematic
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed