I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*