Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I feel this so hard
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*