Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“OMGJK” -atheists
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.