Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Important
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.