Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
i made a craigslist ad !
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby