the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots