Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok