The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
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I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.