In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I didn’t come here to be called names
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care