Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m about to risk it all
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
much to think about
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: