My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*